Thoughts Archives - Expiating My Soul

A beautiful lecture on understanding the musicality and non verbal communication between baby and mother. This lecture suggest there is an innate musicality in all of us from day dot. And I would agree this is true

b2022-03-05T14:41:28+00:00Thoughts|

Best resource of truth on parenting on the planet

As I read outdated theories on children for my music therapy course Eloisa’s teachings are the only resource of truth on the planet I have found other than Divine Truth.
Thank you so so much Elo, what a breathe of truthful fresh air.
I dream of adopting and fostering children and this video set will become my most precious resource as I venture into that chapter of life

b2022-10-06T20:11:44+00:00Thoughts|

What does Love even look like?

For myself and I am guessing many of us, we have not had a good blueprint of what a healthy relationship would even look like. I never saw my parents say a nice word to each other and never saw them show affection. Yelling, slamming doors, swearing, co-dependent barter, depression, anger, financial abuse, power play, and storming off on foot or by dangerous racing cars was my blueprint map. The more I realised I do not know much, if anything, about love, the more that truth felt a relief and opens me up to the fact that I will have to study love if I want to get better at it. Truth brings room for growth, denial just leaves us stuck where we are.

It is okay to not know how to love, it doesn’t make us bad people, in fact I think God has an extremely tender, individual affection towards us and our history when we have not been shown how to love, and wants to nurse and tend to us as he guides us to learn about love. However I think we must take responsibility for this truth, accept it inside of us, and make choices in humility to desire to grow in love if we want different results to what our parents mapped.

I am at the very beginning of seeing humility as a friend who can direct me straight into the arms of God. It has taken me 6 years to just begin to start to understand humility and too many mistakes to list, but it feels like one of the most important discoveries of my life. I recommend this series on youtube on humility: 20120614 Interview With Jesus & Mary – Humility S1 (An Introduction) – YouTube

To humble to our errors, to look at what is going on within us INSTEAD of looking at what is going on in the other, to know that any time another stirs negative emotions in us, it is OUR OWN responsibility to feel and release those emotions within, brings me some relief. As then in that process, we are in the driving seat of our own growth, noone else. No dependency. And after we have felt our own stuff that was stirred or triggered, we will know whether we want or need to address the other person or not. Either way the addressing or leaving of the other will be driven by Love as the motive, not by a need to avoid emotions within us or draw from their feelings in addiction. I have rarely been truly humble in my life but the rare moments I am, I feel connected to me, close to God and happy inside. When I am defensive, stressed, avoiding emotions I am a bit of a nightmare for myself and those around me. I am currently avoiding a ton of grief so I need to grow this fledgling relationship with humility.

I see humility as a great agency for change. And I crave change.

In fact I am going to create an ongoing list of all the great things I am finding humility to be:

Brings me straight away closer to God, as soon as I humble I straight away feel Gods hand closer to mine, Gods presence and breath closer.
Straight away it puts me in a place of less judgement, more equality and much more compassion for others. I ADORE how God has created humility and all the laws surrounding it to always bring us into a more equal loving space. When I am not humble and looking at my own shit first I am either in a place of arrogance or self put down and both feel horrendous. It is in that space where we get harder and harsher to those around us. In a humble state we are automatically softer to those around us as we are so aware that our pain and unfelt grief drive so many of our own actions and so we know it is the same for others. We go from being hard on those around us to being a lot more soft and relaxed.
It brings so much quicker growth and self development.
It feels like a different entity and universe compared to self punishment and it is beautiful to feel that difference on the rare occasion I meet humility in a tight embrace.

For anyone struggling with humility in relationships with others, family, partners, this is a stunning set of questions from Jesus on What Does Love Do in relationships:

“I will ask from my own perspective:
What would my love for myself motivate me to do for myself?
What would my love for my partner motivate me to do for them?
What do I feel my partners love for themselves motivate them to do for themselves?
What do I feel my partners love for me motivate them to do for me?

My partner will ask from his or her own perspective:
What would my love for myself motivate me to do for myself?
What would my love for my partner motivate me to do for them?
What do I feel my partners love for themselves motivate them to do for themselves?
What do I feel my partners love for me motivate them to do for me?”

Full pdf linked below

20050323-1700-1700-jesus-dt-wrt-hrpart–What Love Does in Partner Relationships–en-eletter.pdf (divinetruth.com)

b2022-09-04T22:48:41+00:00Thoughts|

Inspired by ‘Death with Dignity’ by Sufjan Stephens & Tommy Rivs and Steph’s writing

“Spirit of my silence, I can hear you
But I’m afraid to be near you
And I don’t know where to begin

Somewhere in the desert, there’s a forest
And an acre before Slot Gacor Gampang JP
But I don’t know where to begin….

I see the signal searchlight strike me
In the window of my room
Well I got nothing to prove
Well I got nothing to prove

I forgive you, mother, I can hear you
And I long to be near you
But every road leads to an end

Your apparition passes through me
In the willows
Five red hens, you’ll never see us again
You’ll never see us again”

Extract from Sufjan Stephens song “Death with Dignity”

Song on a playlist by Tommy Rivs who had a near death judi online experience he discussed on Rich Roll’s podcast, and which him and his lovely wife Steph (@Steph_outside) write about online.

My own thoughts:

Sufjan rings in my Daftar Slot Online Jackpot Terbesar.

I relate

A life seeking from without, too afraid to go within

Too afraid to quieten and still the soul

Stillness highlights the painful rumblings that are held in a fold

Its possible to pick a banjo so softly it sounds like a mandolin

Like when Corelli floated his soldiers fingers across his

Maybe it is then possible for me to know Grace and music

Despite a life of chaos and approving

Its possible to excavate the soul with an archaeologist’s brush touch Jewel said

But how do you calm a terrified soul gently?

How can I calm the raging want to open up my ribcage, and show my heart

So that I don’t feel the need to explain, overshare, or withdraw

But instead know that one human sees me and I see them (as of course their skin has been spliced and ribcage has been opened up too)

No need for explanation.

This is the beauty of the true Gods Way, sensitisation so real, words become null and void. How relieving that would be.

I hear this is more what its like in the Situs Slot Gacor Terbaik.

I long for that to be honest.

I sang so loudly “I don’t want another fake conversation, I want to know the guts of your heart” in the city centre, and more people related than those who shudder at my open ribcage. For that I am filled with faith.

18/12/2021

b2022-04-01T09:13:22+00:00Thoughts|

Why don’t you be you, and I’ll be me

James Bay – “Let It Go” (Live at WFUV) – YouTube

This is just a very random post, I have so much I want to write and say but have just been so busy deep diving into my post graduate course in Music Therapy.

This song really does depict what I feel true love is, wishing with your whole heart the other enjoys fully being themselves. I long to have the kind of relationship where my man fully desires me to flourish into everything God made me to be, and where I wish that for him too, with my whole heart.

No ties, no chains, no threats, no control, no barter, just pure unadulterated encouragement, support and love of their flourishing, individuation, self actualisation and growing towards God.

In the meantime I hope you are enjoying becoming and discovering yourselves wherever in the world you are reading this from.

x

12/12/21

b2022-09-04T22:50:54+00:00Thoughts|

The gift of time and the gift of the heart

Two of the biggest precious commodities ever ever ever

b2021-10-11T15:14:57+00:00Thoughts, Uncategorized|

The Sun does not ‘help’ anyone, it just is the Sun

The Sun does not ‘help’ anyone, it just is the Sun

These words led me to a full on mini breakdown.

They were spoken to me by someone who reflects to me personally an angel in human form, a kind, gentle woman.

I was stressing SO much about trying to help and caretake everyone. I was/am fucking exhausted. I have no boundaries and I would rather fix others than myself. I have the false belief if I can help those who attack me see more I can manage and control the situation and imminent attack. I believe if I can try and fix everything I wont need to soften to the terror that I caused all their pain and strife. Trust me this doesn’t work, I am exhausted from trying.

What does seem to work though is using prayer and truth to stir up emotions, then, with God’s helping hand and heart, release the emotions as much as possible, linking them to our childhood, accessing our hurt child where possible.

Softening to the grief of the attack instead of trying to manage and control it is something I simply have not been doing but now want to try, because I have found for certainty that managing and controlling only exacerbates pain, where as surrendering to overwhelming emotions, relieves suffering instantly for my soul and all involved.

I adore this sentence ‘The Sun does not ‘help’ anyone, it just is the Sun.’ The Sun isn’t trying to help anyone or be anything for anyone else, it simply is the sun and by being what it was created to do, it shines. It gives us vitamins, minerals, warmth.

Most importantly it lights up the whole world by just being itself, and that light naturally reaches into every area of darkness in a constant humble cycles of sunrise and dawn. Giving us the opportunity to see vast vistas of beauty and know periods of rest and revival and aliveness. The sun gives us an opportunity to look up to the sky and always see cracks of light through clouds and storms, reminding us perfectly that God is always there trying to love us as much as we let in.

What is your gift capable of lighting up if you allow yourself to shine, despite it all?

How will your Soul’s sun reflect qualities of our humble and gentle God?

What is your nature? Your gifts God gave specifically to you? What can your Soul’s Sun light up in this world? What parts of your own darkness or earths darkness can your gift or sunshine light up?

We all have a gift of magnitude within us, whyyyyy can’t we help each other shine instead of attack the soft qualities of God that peek out from those brave and vulnerable simply because they stir emotions we are unwilling to feel. Is it not that any emotional pain is better than that pain of doing that to another?

Sometimes I fucking hate being on earth, sometimes I fucking love it. Yet the sun is just chilling being up in the sky and shining. I aspire to that level of both shine and chill hahaha <3

Here is Jesus’ stunning talk on the topic “What is your Treasure”

20121216 The Human Soul – What Is Your Treasure P1 – YouTube

Here is my wee song on the subject to myself and for anyone who may need a reminder like me (on the daily lol)

Stream What did you put inside my soul God? by Fawn_Music | Listen online for free on SoundCloud

b2021-09-16T10:23:24+00:00Thoughts, Uncategorized|

Words from Jesus – Noone has to love you

One of the first things I ever heard in terms of personal feedback from Jesus was the most profound , pertinent and stunning sentences I have ever heard and something I still struggle with. I wanted to share it here in case it helps you too, he said with kindness:

“Noone has to love you Bec.”

It may sound so simple but I feel the earth shattering profundity of this sentence, if we were to actually release all our addictions to live it, would change the whole course of the world.

It is such a good truth to hold onto in the back of my mind and heart when trying to release demands or feel through addictions. This simple truth could stir up every addiction if truly examined with our hearts.

The sad fact seems to be, the more enmeshment set up in childhood, the more demands we end up having. Jesus also said to me that because my issues with my father is my primary enmeshment, it will take a concerted effort to break it. Enmeshment certainly ain’t no joke. The addictions that stem from it are all self involved, evil and taking.

I feel I am failing miserable at cementing this into my heart so am also writing it on here in the hopes it will remind me!

b2021-08-31T11:07:49+00:00Thoughts|

My Fears

What would happen if I had none?

b2020-11-14T22:55:49+00:00Thoughts|

Addiction

The very thing I want, I ravage for, I thought I want, I don’t know why I want,

is killing me.

It’s ripping my heart from my chest,

the beat from my heart,

the blood from my atrial,

the life force from my being.

I still can’t put my finger on the exact feeling but its full of the desperate need to be liked for fear others are recognising this inherent problem I was seen as for my nature as a child. A demand for approval & validation, a demand that love means having things done for me and being ‘falsely nursed’ by an arrogant man like I am their pathetic captive, or falsely nursing them to ‘earn’ their love. This is exactly what my father did for me in order for me to remain his doting puppet. I now feel mens pain more than my own as that is what I was taught by my father to connect to his pain and have no sense of self.

I have wanted it more than I wanted life,

more than love

more than productivity,

and worst of all I have wanted it more than you dear God.

I feel shocked, stupefied, fucked up, zoned out…lost,

I have chased small jobs to stay small,

with no tall responsibilities,

feeling incapable every hour of every day and not knowing why.

Always looking up to arrogant people:

please like me and I’ll be able to breath again….just like me…please…. I know I’m desperate but … please?

I have chased this like the snow sweeps mountains until they are covered, I am fully iced white now.

Frozen in shock from an aimless, painful life chasing you. Even the black, tarred, poisonous, noxious addictive destructive force of you seems more alluring than the golden light of God, Love and music. What in the hell?

You are my biggest lie, built on a foundation of lies, told through immature, selfish and taking eyes.

The truth of you I despise, yet its only the truth of you which can free me from a life of disassociation and guise.

Tupac said it best; real eyes, realise, real lies.

My life is passing me by, I’m nearly 35,

am I going to give my life to this addiction till theres no soul left sparkling within my eye?

What am I doing to help others and share my gift? I might as well be dying as this is a slow death chasing you,

this elusive empty black non existent feeling,

so bad for me, its killing me and yet… I want it over the glory of you God, how does that make you feel?

Am I Mad? a lunatic? most certainly so.

How to change it? I don’t really know

but if I go to God I will be shown.

If I go to God the whole world will open up from the unknown.

If I go to God the world will open up softly and boldly.

Maybe I need to retreat to les chartreuse, my spiritual home

away from everyone.

God rid my body of all things unpure – rid me of my wanting of this tar I pray

Written November 2020

b2021-02-14T18:00:04+00:00Thoughts|